A Man And His Destiny

The Insight

By Lateef Adewole

This is a belated celebration of the International Men’s Day (IMD), which was last Friday, 19th of November, 2021. How could a man like me still forgot the day dedicated to celebrate his gender. Surely, it was not just me. Many men don’t even know that such a day exists, not to talk of remembering to celebrate it. Many men who know about its existence might not know which date exactly.

Likewise, other members of families of opposite gender might not care. The wives, mothers and daughters. The day must have passed like any other day to them. How much of a noise or fuss was made about it around the world, in the media; social, print and electronic? Whereas, if it were to be the women’s day or girl’s day, the whole media space would have been agog with posts, commentaries, analysis and the likes, to celebrate the day. I know how much attention that media houses pay to such days. Does it mean men are not important, appreciated or do not deserve to be celebrated?

It is shocking that most of those who champion the celebration of women and girls are men. Do they forget to celebrate themselves? I can say I am as guilty. While in the actual sense, I remembered it was last week and many would have expected me to write about it last Saturday, if at all I wanted to. Not reading about it then was tantamount to forgetting it or being unconcerned. These are far from it.

While I had wanted to do so, there was a very serious issue trending last week, which I received many questions about, where people asked for my opinion about it. It had to do with the leaked report of the Lagos State Judicial Panel of Inquiry into the police brutality, which was released last week Monday. I wrote about it. I had to postpone this write-up about the International Men’s Day till today, so as to address that national raging issue.

Before now, I was usually accused of being biased towards the female folks; girls and women. This is because, I hardly ever missed writing about the days to celebrate them. Something they called “female chauvinism”. Some even tagged me as “feminist”. All these are in accurate. I am neither of these.

I just believe in accentuating the roles and importance of girl-child and women in our would, especially given the tendencies to subjugate them in some culture and in our society generally. Afterall, everyone is born of a woman, our mothers. That’s like a default. We have sisters, wives, and daughters. All these are females. Therefore, no one could escape having relationship with at least one woman – their mother!

Does this now mean only girls and women are important? Not at all. In fact, assemblage of women as I have highlighted is like the difference parts of the body. The man being the heart! In our society and our world, without diminishing the capabilities of the female folks, men bear nearly all the burden of existence. Many things revolve around a man. The loads of a family, nuclear and extended, are often borne by responsible men. They carry them with pride and equinanimity.

The International Men’s Day was started by one man in 1999, Dr Jerome Teelucksingh, who is a teacher at the University of West Indies in Trinidad and Tobago. He did so in the celebration of his father. That very date adopted was his father’s birthday. He used the day to honour him. The theme for this year’s day is: “Better relations between men and women”. You see what I have been saying. Even when celebrating the men, it’s focus is on women (lol).

Focusing on improving gender relationship and promoting gender equality between men and women, is said to be one of the six pillars of International Men’s Day. This day is observed to cherish the achievements and contributions of men and celebrate them. Congratulations to every man who is responsible and committed to bearing the burden of his “manhood” (pun intended). Laughs.

Indeed, like it’s always said, “to become a man is not a day’s job”. I know because I am a man and I have gone through the mills. “No be moinmoin”. Truly, it is a “burden” to be a man. The expectations from us are huge and unending. Or, at what stage will a man be free to now live and enjoy his life independently? May be at death. This is because, at every stage of a man’s life, there are demands on him, on his person, just because he is a man. Childhood as a boy, teenager, adult and even as an old man. The roles and responsibilities keep changing. They keep evolving.

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This is applicable to responsible men only. There are men who don’t give a damn. They live their lives as they wished, often recklessly or carefreely. They care little or not about family or anyone. Although, these are in the minority. Majority of men are innately responsible. They were brought up to be and it’s a sing song in their ears as they were growing up.

There was this hilarious but factual post that often circulates on social media, particularly Whatsapp. It has a list of what a man has to be responsible for. Things like; feeding, clothing, house rent, school fees, electricity bill, generator and fuel for it, even “aso ebi”! The list was so long. And it indicated that it was still not exhaustive. It remarked that: “why won’t men die early?”. Before I forget, the list did not exclude delivering sterling performance in “za oza room o”.

I watched one video recorded and posted by a woman who tried to appreciate men. She started by asking how men even manage to survive? Who helps and supports men when they are broke? When they are in distress? She stated that oftentimes, women depend on men in such situations. She recalled her days in the higher institution when, any time she was broke, she remembered her boyfriend, called him up and explained to him. And that he usually came to her aid by supporting her with money and many other needs. She then querried with a stint of regret that all those years, it never crossed her mind that her boyfriend could also be broke. At such time, who would he call? This is the story in many relationships between a man and a woman.

The point is, men go around, bearing all the burden on them as calmly as possible. They wake up everyday, left home, sometimes with no assurance from anywhere, but with just hope. It’s better for those without immediate families. They could manage on their own and might give their extended family members some excuses or reasons why they could not meet up with their requests from them once in a while, when they have no choice. What about a family man with wife and children? Could he give such excuses? Would such excuses be acceptable? I don’t think so.

One can then imagine what kind of a fix such a man finds himself. A man can go hungry for hours and still maintains his dignity. For how long can his wife remained hungry? How long can his children remained unfed? And he would still expect decorum in his home. What excuses will he give them? What excuse would he give his landlord when his house rent expires and he could not pay? What explanation will he give his wife and children if they are thrown out of the house? What about schools? How long can he owe his children’s school fees and the management will still keep his children at school? What explanation will he give to his young children if they are sent out of school?

There’s also a limit to the excuses a man can give his extended family members before he is tagged as irresponsible. A man who has parents and younger siblings, by our African culture, is expected to support them. When he is financially challenged, how would he meet up with such obligations? These drive men to go all out to be men. They surmount all odds, scale all hurdles, go through pains, make sacrifices, endure humiliations, just to meet up with the obligations that nature, the world and God placed on them. What many men do could better imagined.

Same burden has driven many men to dip their hands in unthinkable things, involved in unwholesome activities and some have been sent to their early graves in the process. Only a man can truly and completely know what he does for survival. No matter how opened a man is to other people, especially his wife, for a married man, there is always a gap or gaps that only him knows how he fills. I know because I am a man.

However, irrespective of a man’s duty to himself, his family, his community or society, no man should follow the path of evils while trying to meet them. In the final analysis, everyone shall answer for their names. No parent, sibling, wife, child, family member or friend will bear any punishment on any man’s behalf, whether in this world or hereafter. So, men should be circumspect in their dealings. A good name is better than gold and silver!

Women, whether mothers, sisters, wives or daughters, should be supportive of any man in their life. They should appreciate that, even when the men fail to meet their expectations once in a while, it might not be deliberate but circumstantial. They should also not put too much pressure on them with outrageous demands and outlandish expectations. They should not drive their men into crimes or cause them sudden death, especially wives!

This write-up is dedicated to all responsible men out there and to celebrate them. You are the heroes. Your commitments, sufferings, pains and sacrifices that you make for others are seen and appreciated. Only the Almighty can truly reward you appropriately and proportionately.

Congratulations to all men.

Happy Men’s Day in arrears!

May God continue to protect us and guide us aright.

God Bless Nigeria.

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