Seeking Side Hustle As Election Manipulator

By TONY EKE

The unabating economic hardship is spawning something good in our country. Despite being confronted with dark clouds induced by the Tinubu administration and its wrongheaded economic policies, a glimpse of silver lining is perceptible, unbeknown to most of us. It has to do with a growing consciousness of our compatriots to diversify their sources of income. This newfound awareness transcends social class as citizens seek avenues to do more for themselves to enhance their well-being. Relying on a single income source might predispose an individual to a long stay on the path of impoverishment.

Flowing from the above, two ideas–whether to become a pastor or get skilled up and certified as an election manipulator–have preoccupied my mind lately. A good side hustle would indeed improve my status as a journalist. Even though I may not be able to build big houses like twin eight bedroom duplex for my nuclear family of five persons or get a brand-new land cruiser SUV, I would comfortably fuel the Toyota Corolla which I was gifted in 2012 as Special Assistant to the incomparable, emeritus Speaker of the Delta State House of Assembly, Rt. Hon. (Engr) Victor O. Ochei.

However, it has been pretty difficult for me to choose a path. On that basis, I’d recently requested the opinion of a friend of mine whom I do confide in, but for the first time in a decade, he declined voicing out his preference. As his unusual indifference partly elongated my indecision, it became an imperative to consider the worth of each idea, compare and contrast the attractions and risks, as well as project the volume of material benefits each would likely generate either daily or in a season.

To be candid, the pastoral calling seems good and lucrative to follow. If not for anything I would be referred to as a ‘Man of God’ as well as numbered among the worthy labourers in God’s vineyard. Whoever labours earnestly and works dutifully for God does not lack like the hapless citizens in the vulnerable class. They will get by even if petrol price is raised to N3,000 per litre or our national currency is further made prostrate in an envisaged exchange rate of N4,000 to $1 or a bag of rice goes for as high as N200,000.

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But my biggest worry is that God has refused to call me despite my ceaseless daily entreaty. In fact, I have had cause to wonder if all the men of God ever waited so long for the ultimate call before opening their churches! In addition, the conduct of some self-styled pastors, especially in urban centres, fills me with spasmodic concerns. My encounter with a particular part-time pastor in Asaba shocked me beyond words. He has a bible as big as the Pope’s, he prays seemingly well and speaks in tongues, but the way he lies with a straight face while manipulating perception and demonizing even members of his own flock, has dampened my zeal to enrol in a pastoral college.

So, my preference for the latter is understandable. Even if the downsides of pastoral calling were conditioned favourably to entice a prospective entrant like me, I would still go for the other, clearly showing the parallels between my choice and the remarkable decision of the eponymous character in Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken.” This personal choice is driven by the quest spirit in me to learn and aquire a strange skill routinely deployed to alter the genuine outcome of electoral contests.

Yes, on the surface, it can be deemed as an undignified, worthless skill that any reasonable person would seek to aquire, but the benefits are immeasurable. Sometimes, the very thing you had despised holds greater promise for the survival of other persons. If you can imagine how the occasional resort to notoriety whether overt or covert dignifies the lives of many distinguished politicians in Nigeria, then you will understand what I’m driving at. Whoever had been trained and certified as an election manipulator is in his own world, not only earning respect from politicians, especially elective office seekers but also generating huge returns as payment for his enviable performance during elections.

Getting the required skill is by no means easy. Besides reading a very good book such as “How To Rig An Election”(2018) by Nic Cheeseman & Brian Klass, it would entail my enrollment for a crash programme in three or four notable centres to get the basic training and use the forthcoming off-season governorship polls as internship periods. There exist many informal schools of election manipulation, but I would prefer to go to those at Iyamho, Edo State, Rumuepirikom, Obio-Akpor, Rivers State, and Omumah, Imo State, hometowns of Senator Adams Oshiohmole, Chief Nyesom Nwike and Chief Hope Uzodinma respectively. These men have shown redoubtable skills in the manner that they allegedly manipulated results of off-season governorship elections in recent times.

Sharpening my skill in the alteration of electoral figures is very important. My mathematical skill had been dull for some years; so I need to enhance it to enable me to devise with ease some digits that could turn 100 votes into 1, 000 or 1,000 into 10,000 votes, notwithstanding whether the figure posted is higher than the total number of registered voters. My teachers such as the three aforementioned politicians may need to play the videos of 1964, 1979, and 1983 elections as well as those of the Fourth Republic to reinforce my knowledge of the process of manipulation that made winners losers and losers as winners, especially at the federal level.

I would be delighted if Comrade Oshiohmole and his colleagues would avail me of opportunity to learn ways of recording huge votes without the use of the BVAS for accreditation or subtracting figures of a winning party and adding same to bolster a losing political party. This part is quite important without which I would not be able to engage in an accelerated process of thumb-printing thousands of ballot papers in order to accomplish the desired goal of concocting figures needed by the Independent National Electoral Electoral Commission(INEC) to declare victory for the party that would hire me in due course

All things being equal, I hope to hone my skill to facilitate my acquisition of expertise which distinguishes the class of election result writers as great men in Nigeria. Thereafter, I would return to my beloved state and open an academy in the three senatorial districts of Delta State where idle Yahoo boys can enrol and earn certificates ahead of 2027 general elections. As a rule, my initiates and I would be open for patronage in the next elections by all leading political parties except the All Progressives Congress(APC), as we are opposed to extending its ruinous governance at the national and sub-national levels beyond 2027. However, there’s a condition precedent to our partnership with any state which may need our services. It would be expected to sign off ten percent of its monthly federal allocation payable through the irrevocable Standing Payment Order(ISPO) to our account for one year.

*Tony Eke, a journalist based in Asaba, can be reached via [email protected] or on 08035504896(text only)