BY MICHAEL WEST
A serious factor that often engender break-up in relationships is anger issue. This is a less-talk-about problem beyond the confines of the concerned people despite the fact that it has wreaked a number of potentially great relationships. This negative trait is found in both sexes; but while mature women device methods and patience to cope with men that have anger issue, rarely do men stay with nagging, short-tempered and cantankerous women. Largely, this has accounted for why some eligible marriageable women are still single.
“I need a man that will love me for who I am and accept me the way I am” is a self-indulgent statement especially by snappy women who would rather prefer to nurture their weaknesses to dealing with them. They relish in the delusion of self-worth while they miss out the good men that would have married them. Likewise, insatiable men rarely have stable homes. And if per chance they do, they don’t enjoy their marriages. A sizeable percentage of intemperate men are living as single dads because women find it difficult to cope with them.
Researches confirm that trust issue is the primary source of break-ups in relationships. Even in business, once trust is no longer in place, things would crumble. Trust issues may include factors such as jealousy, possessiveness, unreasonable rigidity, emotional and sexual infidelity, relational game playing, lack of reliability and dependability, lack of emotional support, lack of financial compatibility, and lack of mutually-supportive goals.
Similarly, a major reason relationships fail is lack of loyalty to commitment or promise from one’s partner. It is not possible for anyone to trust his or her unfaithful partner in a relationship. Most times when people get involved in infidelity in a relationship, it is as a result of problems like lack of loyalty that has existed for a long time.
According to a new research by Sheri Meyers, an expert in Psychology and an author of Chatting or Cheating, almost 50 percent of couples break up, and then get back together again, but there are upsides to splitting up before settling down for the long haul. Another report says about 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, and breakups are even more frequent among unmarried couples. The truth is that relationships don’t just take care of themselves – they require commitment, self-awareness, selflessness, and willingness to change and grow.
I have mediated in a number of distressed families and broken relationships, and my findings show that added to the fundamental issues of lack of commitment, financial problems and trust issue, bad temperament or anger has been another raging storm that has wreaked some serious relationships. Most of such relationships involved serious and committed adults who actually meant business together. It is surprising that quite a number of them broke up at the threshold of consummating their time-tested affairs. Many of the broken homes have anger as an underlying factor. It is very common among the young couples or the newly wedded.
Recent happenings of increased rate of spousal murder in our society lend credence to this fact. This is why some parents prefer their daughters to marry mature or older men as against the intemperate age mates. Naturally, women are sharp-tongued talkers who rain abuses and insults at slighted provocation. Because most men can’t match women in racy, incisive and provoking utterances, they will resort to fisticuffs instead. This, more often than not, is the genesis of domestic violence or abuse in relationships.
In October last year, a family engaged me to mediate in the acrimonious situation between their daughter and her husband as every intervention appeared not working. Before I met the young couple, my background checks revealed that the wife has a serious anger issue. According to her dad, “My daughter is a replica of her mom. I’m still in marriage with her mom because I determined to stay married; otherwise I would have divorced her over 20 years ago. I have talked to my daughter to copy the good side of her mom’s character. She should allow good report about her husband reflect on her but all my counsel didn’t yield any fruit,” says the retired civil servant cum businessman.
I invited the husband for a man-to-man talk before I met the wife. It was a beautiful discussion. He was willing to stand and not be distracted no what the situation. “I love my wife, sir. She had been my crush before we started dating and I’m blessed to marry her. She’s hardworking, intelligent and a shrewd businesswoman. But when she goes on ‘trance’ the entire house would be a hell. ‘Trance’ I mean in the ‘spirit of anger.’ She will be quaking, sweating and shouting on top of her voice, raging like a storm or a wild wind. Sir, but when my wife is praying, she prays so passionately with all piety. The problem is that her angry moments are longer than happy moments.”
Meeting the pretty young woman was an awesome time together. She’s shy, all smiles, hospitable and tender. Candidly, any focused man would not be in a hurry to quit the marriage with this angel of a woman. I asked if her sweet voice sounds the same when she’s angry. Rather than answer she burst into laughter. On why she goes angry often over little things, she said: “I have a zero tolerance for tardiness. I hate it when people fail to apply their God-given senses to accomplish simple task or carry out instructions. I don’t have much problem with my husband in particular but we clash over principles and approaches to issues.
“I have sacked two of my workers for indolence but he thought I acted too inconsiderate. I dislike it when people don’t allow me to express my feelings; he should allow me to diffuse the tension in my body. Anyway, I must acknowledge that I over reacted sometimes but my reasons for anger are genuine. I’m working on reducing my outbursts (she laughs). They, too, should not provoke me anyhow. They should help me by doing things right so I won’t have any reason to renege on this promise (she laughs).”
The husband made her to promise me that she won’t go on ‘trance’ again over any matter. In her response, she said “I appreciate my husband for being patient with me. I must confess that I was nursing a secret fear that my marriage would break over my anger issue. Sincerely, I wish not to be angry at all but I easily get provoked. Two of my friends’ homes have broken up because of anger issue. And I do pray against it seriously. Please, sir, I need to learn more about the emotional control strategy you talked with us today. I’m a changed person right away (laughs).”
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